Public transit is hilarious.

Today I took the bus out to see my father so we could go to an arts festival (we both had to work on father's day). I'm on the bus going through town and these two guys get on the bus right behind me. They sound like 13-year-olds trying to be gangsta, and because one guy's voice kept breaking, that's what I assumed they were. Which made this conversation really interesting. I will try to paraphrase it in the most generic possible way.

Guy 1: talking about his ex who's now in jail, and who has his Xbox 360, which technically she bought for him. Also she owes him over $1k, and has his blue skateboard and a few other random things. A drill or something.

Guy 2: you still have her keys man?

Guy 1: making plans to check and see if the Xbox works and if it does to just put it in a bag and take it. Take a bag from ex, as he doesn't have any on him. Leave a note saying "I hope your house doesn't get broken into while you're in jail." Pretend that a neighbor stole the Xbox, as apparently everybody around her knows that she has one.

Guy 2: Dude nice plan!

[Too bad you're yelling it for the entire bus to hear. A girl gets off the bus. She has to walk past them to exit.]

Guy 1: man it was so hard not to just smack her ass as she walked by. Effort of will, man. So hard not to. Man. I just want to smack some asses. I was at this party this one time and just smacking girls' asses left and right and finally this one girl said "hey let me introduce you to my boyfriend" and her boyfriend says "hey man is there a problem?" and I say "hey man just smacking your woman's ass" and he says "good call man, I do that all the time" and asses and asses for like five or six minutes seriously.

Guy 2: hey man invite me once in a while.

And on and on. Guy 2's voice kept cracking and he was wearing the most hilarious green-and-yellow-tie-dye bucket hat, so I assumed they were pretty young... but when they got off the bus, I glanced up and they were about 28 years old. Both of them.

As soon as they were gone I cracked up.

Later, I was walking the 25 minutes from the bus stop to my father's house and this guy who looked oddly like my old neighbor. We walked on opposite sides of 4- to 5-lane traffic, paced pretty evenly, for several minutes and about a block and a half. Then he started walking on the curb, then in the bike lane, looking both ways for oncoming cars. Then he sprints madly for my side of the road and ends up about four feet behind me.

Hello, super sketch man. How are you? If you touch me I'll bash your face in with my stainless-steel water bottle. :)

He caught up and walked next to me (a few feet away -- potentially to negate any intimidation he might be exuding with his incredible manliness -- he was a nerdy computer guy, CS major apparently). He asked if he could walk with me. We talked about stuff. He asked where I was going and I told him that I was walking another 5 miles or so (more like five minutes, but whatever) and all kinds of things that aren't true.

I learned that I enjoy lying to strangers. "So, where do you live?" Uh, hi, sketch stranger, why should I tell you that? "Total lie."

Bridezillas

In case you haven't heard of it, We (a women's channel) has a show called Bridezillas. The title pretty much says it all -- brides, working on their weddings, who turn into absolute.. ah, terrors. Yes. Anyway, watching this, here are a few quotes. (Unfortunately I don't have the episode numbers.)

"Thinking is a waste of time. Thinking is for people with no brains. I'm highly intelligent!" -Karen

"Her ass is treading on thin water." -LaDrienna

"I'm not gonna apologize to a doorman! Are you out of your minds?!" -Karen (aka Spoiled Bitch Princess)

"It's too crowded. People are crowding, and pushing, and like.. spilling things? It's embarrassing." -Karen

"Oh yes ma'am, I'm so glam." -LaDrienna

"You're right there on a TEN and you need to bring it down to a four and a half." -LaDrienna

"I'm probably gonna be late, but everybody else needs to be there on time. I am the bride, I am the diva, today is all about me." -LaDrienna

"My advice to any other Bridezilla is to keep your bitch-ass bridesmaids in line." -LaDrienna

"Hii, my name's Karen, and my maid of honor just spoke with you. If you could have someone call me back who doesn't make minimum wage and has no man in her life and probably is very depressed.." -Karen, leaving a voicemail for the salon that just hung up on her.

For more wedding fun, you can check out Wedinator.

One of the Bridezillas was given a huge inflatable penis as a joke gift. I told my friend not to worry - I'd give her six for her wedding. Which was when she dropped this gem: "I stood on stage with an inflatable penis freshman year. My grandmother watched that play. I am DOWN with inflatable penises."

Yes, sweetie.

A friend of mine talks in her sleep. Her boyfriend just went into their room to get something and came back to tell me that she said, with increasing volume, "You're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom you're all in the bathroom." Then she ground her teeth and rolled over.

I'm desperately curious about her dreams right now... and yet, I'm not sure I want to know.

A million times more terrifying than awesome.

Not exactly safe for work today.. xD

A LemonBoob picture prompted the memory of this story:

A friend of my mother's had breast cancer about ten years ago. (She was fine after surgery and has never had any further issues. Also, this is not the funny part.) She had her nipple and part of one breast removed. At the time, the oncologists would refer cancer survivors to a tattoo artist who would give them discounts on tattoos where their nipples were in order to lessen the visual shock.

My mother's friend, though, didn't get a 3-D nipple-looking tattoo.

What did she get?

An eyeball.

Why?

She decided that if people were going to be staring at her chest, she might as well be looking right back at them.

These are the people I grew up with.

Quotes from Chicago

"That sausage had its way with me." [About a Chicago hot dog, I think?]

"This is what we do."

"Don't say it like that. It sounds so bad when you say it."

"I'm getting a Facebook page."

"Why?"

"Lost a bet..."

"It's extra beefy. It's so good. Oh my god, oh my god--!" [About a bowl of chili.]

Road Trippin' Across The Universe... wait, no..

We just got into New Jersey around 10 am today, checked into the hotel, and split up. I showered, then fell asleep. Almost everybody else somehow found the energy to go into the city. Anyway, we drove through several states to get here from Oregon, and here are my impressions of them:

Oregon: Well, of course I love my own state. I didn't realize the eastern edge was such a desert, though.

Idaho: flat, smelly (farming, so - livestock), relatively boring, and very Republican. I saw one of those "Worst President Ever" with Obama's campaign O in "worst." I was disappointed. But Idaho was pretty.

Wyoming: flat nothingness punctuated by awesome clouds and ridiculously steep buttes. Then a lot of nothing. And some snow. And ... nothing.

Iowa: very pretty, lush, and green. A bit more rolling-hill than Oregon, but still quite nice.

Nebraska: the half I didn't sleep through was all at night, so my impressions of Nebraska are of road work and darkness.

Illinois: talk about a confusing road system! My impressions of Chicago and the surrounding areas mostly involve "What road are we on? Oh, toll.. hold on.." The way they get you is to have terribly confusing highways and ramps and then hit you with a toll booth before you get a chance to turn around. We probably paid about an entire tank of gas worth in tolls just when we were lost. It was absolutely ridiculous. Not a bad place, though. Sears -- excuse me, Willis tower -- was quite interesting. Haven't gotten those photos out of my camera yet.

Indiana: full of those truck stops you hear about, the ones your mother tells you not to stop at and if you absolutely have to, put toilet paper on the toilet seat or something and don't look anybody in the eye. But they did have free state maps in the rest stops, pretty detailed ones. So that was cool.

Ohio: I mostly slept through. Sorry.

New Jersey: has a bad reputation, but as soon as we crossed state lines into Jersey, there were flowers everywhere. They're trying to hold onto that whole "Garden State" thing, and trying hard. The city was a little badly marked as far as 21 South. The directions gave me a totally different name for that road. Whoops?

What a fickle muse my life can be!

I'm taking all my finals early so I can move out and go to New York City, et cetera. Therefore, I apologize -- this week has been slow for jokes and long for work. But! There are a couple saved up from that birthday the other night.

We were drawing on each other, which lead to:

"Maaarumarumarumaruburumbrumbrum..."

"Look, I'll draw a mushroom. I'll even do enzymes."

"It's a fishapple! Pinefish! Fishfish! ...Wait."

Also, a radio station was talking about tattoos and a caller said, "I just know that my first was with my mom."