Bridezillas

In case you haven't heard of it, We (a women's channel) has a show called Bridezillas. The title pretty much says it all -- brides, working on their weddings, who turn into absolute.. ah, terrors. Yes. Anyway, watching this, here are a few quotes. (Unfortunately I don't have the episode numbers.)

"Thinking is a waste of time. Thinking is for people with no brains. I'm highly intelligent!" -Karen

"Her ass is treading on thin water." -LaDrienna

"I'm not gonna apologize to a doorman! Are you out of your minds?!" -Karen (aka Spoiled Bitch Princess)

"It's too crowded. People are crowding, and pushing, and like.. spilling things? It's embarrassing." -Karen

"Oh yes ma'am, I'm so glam." -LaDrienna

"You're right there on a TEN and you need to bring it down to a four and a half." -LaDrienna

"I'm probably gonna be late, but everybody else needs to be there on time. I am the bride, I am the diva, today is all about me." -LaDrienna

"My advice to any other Bridezilla is to keep your bitch-ass bridesmaids in line." -LaDrienna

"Hii, my name's Karen, and my maid of honor just spoke with you. If you could have someone call me back who doesn't make minimum wage and has no man in her life and probably is very depressed.." -Karen, leaving a voicemail for the salon that just hung up on her.

For more wedding fun, you can check out Wedinator.

One of the Bridezillas was given a huge inflatable penis as a joke gift. I told my friend not to worry - I'd give her six for her wedding. Which was when she dropped this gem: "I stood on stage with an inflatable penis freshman year. My grandmother watched that play. I am DOWN with inflatable penises."

Yes, sweetie.

A friend of mine talks in her sleep. Her boyfriend just went into their room to get something and came back to tell me that she said, with increasing volume, "You're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom you're all in the bathroom." Then she ground her teeth and rolled over.

I'm desperately curious about her dreams right now... and yet, I'm not sure I want to know.

A million times more terrifying than awesome.

Not exactly safe for work today.. xD

A LemonBoob picture prompted the memory of this story:

A friend of my mother's had breast cancer about ten years ago. (She was fine after surgery and has never had any further issues. Also, this is not the funny part.) She had her nipple and part of one breast removed. At the time, the oncologists would refer cancer survivors to a tattoo artist who would give them discounts on tattoos where their nipples were in order to lessen the visual shock.

My mother's friend, though, didn't get a 3-D nipple-looking tattoo.

What did she get?

An eyeball.

Why?

She decided that if people were going to be staring at her chest, she might as well be looking right back at them.

These are the people I grew up with.

Quotes from Chicago

"That sausage had its way with me." [About a Chicago hot dog, I think?]

"This is what we do."

"Don't say it like that. It sounds so bad when you say it."

"I'm getting a Facebook page."

"Why?"

"Lost a bet..."

"It's extra beefy. It's so good. Oh my god, oh my god--!" [About a bowl of chili.]

Road Trippin' Across The Universe... wait, no..

We just got into New Jersey around 10 am today, checked into the hotel, and split up. I showered, then fell asleep. Almost everybody else somehow found the energy to go into the city. Anyway, we drove through several states to get here from Oregon, and here are my impressions of them:

Oregon: Well, of course I love my own state. I didn't realize the eastern edge was such a desert, though.

Idaho: flat, smelly (farming, so - livestock), relatively boring, and very Republican. I saw one of those "Worst President Ever" with Obama's campaign O in "worst." I was disappointed. But Idaho was pretty.

Wyoming: flat nothingness punctuated by awesome clouds and ridiculously steep buttes. Then a lot of nothing. And some snow. And ... nothing.

Iowa: very pretty, lush, and green. A bit more rolling-hill than Oregon, but still quite nice.

Nebraska: the half I didn't sleep through was all at night, so my impressions of Nebraska are of road work and darkness.

Illinois: talk about a confusing road system! My impressions of Chicago and the surrounding areas mostly involve "What road are we on? Oh, toll.. hold on.." The way they get you is to have terribly confusing highways and ramps and then hit you with a toll booth before you get a chance to turn around. We probably paid about an entire tank of gas worth in tolls just when we were lost. It was absolutely ridiculous. Not a bad place, though. Sears -- excuse me, Willis tower -- was quite interesting. Haven't gotten those photos out of my camera yet.

Indiana: full of those truck stops you hear about, the ones your mother tells you not to stop at and if you absolutely have to, put toilet paper on the toilet seat or something and don't look anybody in the eye. But they did have free state maps in the rest stops, pretty detailed ones. So that was cool.

Ohio: I mostly slept through. Sorry.

New Jersey: has a bad reputation, but as soon as we crossed state lines into Jersey, there were flowers everywhere. They're trying to hold onto that whole "Garden State" thing, and trying hard. The city was a little badly marked as far as 21 South. The directions gave me a totally different name for that road. Whoops?

What a fickle muse my life can be!

I'm taking all my finals early so I can move out and go to New York City, et cetera. Therefore, I apologize -- this week has been slow for jokes and long for work. But! There are a couple saved up from that birthday the other night.

We were drawing on each other, which lead to:

"Maaarumarumarumaruburumbrumbrum..."

"Look, I'll draw a mushroom. I'll even do enzymes."

"It's a fishapple! Pinefish! Fishfish! ...Wait."

Also, a radio station was talking about tattoos and a caller said, "I just know that my first was with my mom."

Happy Birthday!

Yesterday was my friend's 21st birthday. Naturally, she celebrated by having a party with a lot of alcohol. I don't drink, but many of my friends do. Here are some quotes from tonight (not necessarily PG).

"OH my god that's a nipple!"

"You're imagining things. What is all with this acid?" (Big chemistry test yesterday apparently.) Then, my friend realized I was writing down her quotes, and she said, "I am going to give you mournful looks until you promise not to post it on your blog. [Long pause, as I keep writing.] "You'll feel guilty eventually!"

"Mmm, lizard tongue. What?"

I was also told that she knew I was me, as there were several cases of mistaken identity and people being called by other people's names.