Ok, please don't kill me

I laughed at the sheer inappropriateness of this one.

We're watching Ace of Cakes again and there was a disabled hockey league that has sled-style skates that you sit in in pike position (a gymnastics term -- you sit with your legs straight out in front of you). I commented on how I wouldn't be able to play it because I've never in my life been capable of sitting that way. I don't know why I can't, but I've never been able to.

Then my roommate said, "I bet it's easier if you're paraplegic."

Ace of Cakes and friends of mine

Some guy on Ace of Cakes: I came in to make cakes and I'm up to my armpits in wieners.

Tim: Hey, he's been waiting for years to say that.

Steve: America's most popular threesome is two dudes and an Xbox.

Unfortunately, that's really all I've got. Something about going straight from work to home and not really doing anything all day other than cleaning out horse stalls doesn't amuse me as much as my long-lost roommate Emily. So updates will be few and far between, probably.

"You should mend my PANTS"

Oh, silly, silly people who don't know how to sew.

I don't remember exactly why I got so annoyed, except that it involved one of my friends sounding really condescending and condescending people piss me off a lot. I got annoyed and he said that it was because I had low self esteem.

Actually it's because you sound like an arrogant holier-than-thou prick, but ok. Self esteem. Sure. Don't let me confuse you with facts or anything. I'm sure it's that I have low self esteem and not because condescension is one of my pet peeves. I'm sure you're right, because you're always right, and because you clearly know absolutely everything there is to know about me and how my brain works.

Anyway! After that I got up and left because me being irritated and sharing a room with people whose habits hit some of my pet peeves isn't a good plan. Then, once I was all settled and lying on my bed with my poor haggard laptop, my ADHD kicked in. For those of you who don't have it, I believe Allie over at Hyperbole And A Half summarized it quite nicely in one of her old posts (which I was reading through today for lack of anything better to do). Actually, that whole blog is pretty good. You should go read it. :3

Bridezillas

In case you haven't heard of it, We (a women's channel) has a show called Bridezillas. The title pretty much says it all -- brides, working on their weddings, who turn into absolute.. ah, terrors. Yes. Anyway, watching this, here are a few quotes. (Unfortunately I don't have the episode numbers.)

"Thinking is a waste of time. Thinking is for people with no brains. I'm highly intelligent!" -Karen

"Her ass is treading on thin water." -LaDrienna

"I'm not gonna apologize to a doorman! Are you out of your minds?!" -Karen (aka Spoiled Bitch Princess)

"It's too crowded. People are crowding, and pushing, and like.. spilling things? It's embarrassing." -Karen

"Oh yes ma'am, I'm so glam." -LaDrienna

"You're right there on a TEN and you need to bring it down to a four and a half." -LaDrienna

"I'm probably gonna be late, but everybody else needs to be there on time. I am the bride, I am the diva, today is all about me." -LaDrienna

"My advice to any other Bridezilla is to keep your bitch-ass bridesmaids in line." -LaDrienna

"Hii, my name's Karen, and my maid of honor just spoke with you. If you could have someone call me back who doesn't make minimum wage and has no man in her life and probably is very depressed.." -Karen, leaving a voicemail for the salon that just hung up on her.

For more wedding fun, you can check out Wedinator.

One of the Bridezillas was given a huge inflatable penis as a joke gift. I told my friend not to worry - I'd give her six for her wedding. Which was when she dropped this gem: "I stood on stage with an inflatable penis freshman year. My grandmother watched that play. I am DOWN with inflatable penises."

Yes, sweetie.

A friend of mine talks in her sleep. Her boyfriend just went into their room to get something and came back to tell me that she said, with increasing volume, "You're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom and you're in the bathroom you're all in the bathroom." Then she ground her teeth and rolled over.

I'm desperately curious about her dreams right now... and yet, I'm not sure I want to know.

Quotes from Chicago

"That sausage had its way with me." [About a Chicago hot dog, I think?]

"This is what we do."

"Don't say it like that. It sounds so bad when you say it."

"I'm getting a Facebook page."

"Why?"

"Lost a bet..."

"It's extra beefy. It's so good. Oh my god, oh my god--!" [About a bowl of chili.]

What a fickle muse my life can be!

I'm taking all my finals early so I can move out and go to New York City, et cetera. Therefore, I apologize -- this week has been slow for jokes and long for work. But! There are a couple saved up from that birthday the other night.

We were drawing on each other, which lead to:

"Maaarumarumarumaruburumbrumbrum..."

"Look, I'll draw a mushroom. I'll even do enzymes."

"It's a fishapple! Pinefish! Fishfish! ...Wait."

Also, a radio station was talking about tattoos and a caller said, "I just know that my first was with my mom."

Happy Birthday!

Yesterday was my friend's 21st birthday. Naturally, she celebrated by having a party with a lot of alcohol. I don't drink, but many of my friends do. Here are some quotes from tonight (not necessarily PG).

"OH my god that's a nipple!"

"You're imagining things. What is all with this acid?" (Big chemistry test yesterday apparently.) Then, my friend realized I was writing down her quotes, and she said, "I am going to give you mournful looks until you promise not to post it on your blog. [Long pause, as I keep writing.] "You'll feel guilty eventually!"

"Mmm, lizard tongue. What?"

I was also told that she knew I was me, as there were several cases of mistaken identity and people being called by other people's names.

Computer-taters!

My friends and I went to Powell's for a book signing the other day. It looked like we were going to be there for a while. One of them turns to me and says, "That's why I brought my computer-taters along with me."

Also, we watched Tarzan, inspiring: "Elephants are completely inconspicuous and also they can see out their noses wtf...?"

Today's weather was pretty good. My roommate looked out the window and said, "Caaaars and cloooouds and trees... look, It's true. So many things, out there. In the world."

Other quotes:

"It's like a party. Where we put things in our mouths."

"Sometimes I laugh." [deadpan]

There was a swap meet today on campus. One of my roommates managed to find a complete ravioli-making set, including a rolling pin, molds, and instructions! It was awesome. Unfortunately, the instructions were in Italian; also, I was out when he made them (apparently they tasted like dirt), so I didn't get to try anything but a wad of leftover pasta dough that had been cooked. My roommate took one look at it and said, "This isn't ravioli, it's an abomination!"

Also, something to take out of context: "I can't swallow that in one sitting."

In honor of my roommate

Yesterday, my roommate checked this blog. (Hi Lem!)

I am proud to say that she cracked up. (Yay! Someone thinks I'm funny!)

She was pretty surprised at some of the things she's said. She doesn't do any drugs (aside from caffeine, and we all do that one), but she's forgotten most of these quotes. I believe her comment was, "Jesus, I sound like I'm high, like, all the time.. Did I really say that?"

Yes. Yes, you did. I love you, awesome roommate. Stay hilarious.

Also, this. There are no words.

Also, to my surprise, this thing I came across whilst reading my Livejournal friends list thing. I laughed. So hard. Seriously. Here we go! :D Absolutely un-edited by me. Ohh, I cannot even think what this is gonna do to my Adsense... j-j

Written by Aggybird:

Let me preface this with: my mail guy sucks donkey balls. This is a fact well-established through many hilarious anecdotes. For example, my mail guy seems to play a game with himself. That game is: HOW CAN I SQUISH THIS FRAGILE PACKAGE TO MAKE IT FIT INTO THE BOX? He leaves the key for the wrong package box in my mailbox, leaving me to open an empty box and frown confusedly. He plays other mind games with me, like when he inserts a package that fits through the back of my mailbox, where he distributes the mail, but of such a size that it will not actually leave through the other side, where I retrieve my mail, so I am left tugging futilely on my package, able to grasp it in my hand but not able to take it home with me. Like I said: HILARIOUS.

There is a little old lady who lives up the hill on my tiny country road, and she has the same last name as me. This is not hard, seeing as how a lot of folks share my particular last name. Well, this little old lady, due to the aforementioned donkey-ball sucking mail guy, sometimes gets my mail. She's great about returning it to me.

This is not usually a problem, except when I am expecting STEAMY GAY ROMANCE BY POST. This particular little old lady loves to read romance novels--she gets piles of them and trades them with other little old ladies and she often comes into the library to get more and to say hello. She is a very friendly little old lady. She is also apparently kind of, I don't know, blind? Oblivious? Because WHATEVER THE REASON, she decided that this wrongfully delivered package was actually hers. And she opened it.

And, somehow missing the dedication that Libby wrote to me, SHE READ IT.

READ IT.

DID YOU GET THAT?

I MEAN.

Once she REALIZED what it was ABOUT, surely she would have STOPPED? Surely once the cockbucklers crossed their meatswords she would have flung the book aside in scandalized horror, clutching at her chest and pressing her Life Alert button frantically!

Did she do these things? No. No, she did not. SHE READ IT THROUGH.

And THEN, when she was FINISHED, she decided to knock on my front door and return it to me.

I was like, "Um. UM. I CAN EXPLAIN, PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN, THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, I'M SURE THOSE NICE BOYS WERE JUST CONFUSED," and she was all, "Thank you, this was very good! A bit naughty because it was two fellows, but very good!"

I was then like, "Little neighbor lady, didn't you see the sexy shirtless men on the cover? Wasn't that a clue?" and she was like, "Well, all my books have those on the cover!"

I decided that if the earth would not open up and swallow me like I was silently praying, then I would try to gracefully thank her and retreat into my house. Except then she asked me IF I HAD ANY MORE.

I was so amazed and horrified I could barely speak. She is a LITTLE WHITE HAIRED LADY. And then I realized that someday I would be a little white haired lady reading gay porn, so I gave her Dreamspinner Press' web address, lent her another gay romance book I had, and sent her on her way.

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS. D:


----

In continuing hilarical adventures: has anybody ever done anything they know is totally stupid because they were embarrassed about propriety? Let me tell you a story:

I often bike on a wonderful bike trail near my house. There is nothing I quite like better than whipping down the trail, jamming to my iPod, feeling the sun on my arms and face.

But there is nothing I like less than getting an enormous bug in my mouth.

So, yesterday, as I was biking blithely along, I opened my big, fat mouth and a bug flew inside. Normally, I would just spit it out, rather violently, and make wounded seal noses for about five minutes while I scraped my tongue.

But on this occasion, there was a family biking toward me: mother, father, brother and sister. They all looked adorable in matching helmets. The girl had pink tassels on her handlebars.

And I COULD NOT bring myself to hock up a bug in front of them because one of the top things that I will never, ever do is spit in front of people. I consider it one of my Great Social Taboos and a height of impropriety.

What is a girl with a bug-filled mouth to do?

I biked on, trying to create enough saliva in my mouth to suspend the bug inside so that it did not touch any part of my mouth. And then, cheeks beginning to bulge and eyes wild, I waved to the adorable family as they passed me, in the friendly, cheerful way you do.

Did I spit after that?

No! Are you crazy? I had to wait until they were out of auditory spitting distance because that is just as worse!

Finally, I launched the bug in a rocket of saliva after I rounded a corner in the trail (Heaven help me if more cyclists had been approaching--I might have carried the bug home). And then I realized that I had just biked for two minutes cradling a bug floating in saliva inside my mouth in order to avoid the mortification of spitting in front of people I don't even know.

The sad thing is: I will do this again.