Mornings in my apartment

Above all, don't ask us to be specific.

"I'm hoping that by the time I'm done with this...." [The sentence was never finished.]

Me: Never a dull moment in 22.

Roommate: That's.. why it has.. twos in it. [Long pause.] I make sense, I really do!

"Heel bladder. Blaeel." [Inspired by my boyfriend's feet on my stomach making me need to pee.]

Computer-taters!

My friends and I went to Powell's for a book signing the other day. It looked like we were going to be there for a while. One of them turns to me and says, "That's why I brought my computer-taters along with me."

Also, we watched Tarzan, inspiring: "Elephants are completely inconspicuous and also they can see out their noses wtf...?"

Today's weather was pretty good. My roommate looked out the window and said, "Caaaars and cloooouds and trees... look, It's true. So many things, out there. In the world."

Other quotes:

"It's like a party. Where we put things in our mouths."

"Sometimes I laugh." [deadpan]

There was a swap meet today on campus. One of my roommates managed to find a complete ravioli-making set, including a rolling pin, molds, and instructions! It was awesome. Unfortunately, the instructions were in Italian; also, I was out when he made them (apparently they tasted like dirt), so I didn't get to try anything but a wad of leftover pasta dough that had been cooked. My roommate took one look at it and said, "This isn't ravioli, it's an abomination!"

Also, something to take out of context: "I can't swallow that in one sitting."

In honor of my roommate

Yesterday, my roommate checked this blog. (Hi Lem!)

I am proud to say that she cracked up. (Yay! Someone thinks I'm funny!)

She was pretty surprised at some of the things she's said. She doesn't do any drugs (aside from caffeine, and we all do that one), but she's forgotten most of these quotes. I believe her comment was, "Jesus, I sound like I'm high, like, all the time.. Did I really say that?"

Yes. Yes, you did. I love you, awesome roommate. Stay hilarious.

Also, this. There are no words.

Also, to my surprise, this thing I came across whilst reading my Livejournal friends list thing. I laughed. So hard. Seriously. Here we go! :D Absolutely un-edited by me. Ohh, I cannot even think what this is gonna do to my Adsense... j-j

Written by Aggybird:

Let me preface this with: my mail guy sucks donkey balls. This is a fact well-established through many hilarious anecdotes. For example, my mail guy seems to play a game with himself. That game is: HOW CAN I SQUISH THIS FRAGILE PACKAGE TO MAKE IT FIT INTO THE BOX? He leaves the key for the wrong package box in my mailbox, leaving me to open an empty box and frown confusedly. He plays other mind games with me, like when he inserts a package that fits through the back of my mailbox, where he distributes the mail, but of such a size that it will not actually leave through the other side, where I retrieve my mail, so I am left tugging futilely on my package, able to grasp it in my hand but not able to take it home with me. Like I said: HILARIOUS.

There is a little old lady who lives up the hill on my tiny country road, and she has the same last name as me. This is not hard, seeing as how a lot of folks share my particular last name. Well, this little old lady, due to the aforementioned donkey-ball sucking mail guy, sometimes gets my mail. She's great about returning it to me.

This is not usually a problem, except when I am expecting STEAMY GAY ROMANCE BY POST. This particular little old lady loves to read romance novels--she gets piles of them and trades them with other little old ladies and she often comes into the library to get more and to say hello. She is a very friendly little old lady. She is also apparently kind of, I don't know, blind? Oblivious? Because WHATEVER THE REASON, she decided that this wrongfully delivered package was actually hers. And she opened it.

And, somehow missing the dedication that Libby wrote to me, SHE READ IT.

READ IT.

DID YOU GET THAT?

I MEAN.

Once she REALIZED what it was ABOUT, surely she would have STOPPED? Surely once the cockbucklers crossed their meatswords she would have flung the book aside in scandalized horror, clutching at her chest and pressing her Life Alert button frantically!

Did she do these things? No. No, she did not. SHE READ IT THROUGH.

And THEN, when she was FINISHED, she decided to knock on my front door and return it to me.

I was like, "Um. UM. I CAN EXPLAIN, PLEASE LET ME EXPLAIN, THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, I'M SURE THOSE NICE BOYS WERE JUST CONFUSED," and she was all, "Thank you, this was very good! A bit naughty because it was two fellows, but very good!"

I was then like, "Little neighbor lady, didn't you see the sexy shirtless men on the cover? Wasn't that a clue?" and she was like, "Well, all my books have those on the cover!"

I decided that if the earth would not open up and swallow me like I was silently praying, then I would try to gracefully thank her and retreat into my house. Except then she asked me IF I HAD ANY MORE.

I was so amazed and horrified I could barely speak. She is a LITTLE WHITE HAIRED LADY. And then I realized that someday I would be a little white haired lady reading gay porn, so I gave her Dreamspinner Press' web address, lent her another gay romance book I had, and sent her on her way.

WHAT IS THIS MADNESS. D:


----

In continuing hilarical adventures: has anybody ever done anything they know is totally stupid because they were embarrassed about propriety? Let me tell you a story:

I often bike on a wonderful bike trail near my house. There is nothing I quite like better than whipping down the trail, jamming to my iPod, feeling the sun on my arms and face.

But there is nothing I like less than getting an enormous bug in my mouth.

So, yesterday, as I was biking blithely along, I opened my big, fat mouth and a bug flew inside. Normally, I would just spit it out, rather violently, and make wounded seal noses for about five minutes while I scraped my tongue.

But on this occasion, there was a family biking toward me: mother, father, brother and sister. They all looked adorable in matching helmets. The girl had pink tassels on her handlebars.

And I COULD NOT bring myself to hock up a bug in front of them because one of the top things that I will never, ever do is spit in front of people. I consider it one of my Great Social Taboos and a height of impropriety.

What is a girl with a bug-filled mouth to do?

I biked on, trying to create enough saliva in my mouth to suspend the bug inside so that it did not touch any part of my mouth. And then, cheeks beginning to bulge and eyes wild, I waved to the adorable family as they passed me, in the friendly, cheerful way you do.

Did I spit after that?

No! Are you crazy? I had to wait until they were out of auditory spitting distance because that is just as worse!

Finally, I launched the bug in a rocket of saliva after I rounded a corner in the trail (Heaven help me if more cyclists had been approaching--I might have carried the bug home). And then I realized that I had just biked for two minutes cradling a bug floating in saliva inside my mouth in order to avoid the mortification of spitting in front of people I don't even know.

The sad thing is: I will do this again.

That's what she said.

Today is definitely a take-that-out-of-context day. Here are some of today's quotes:

"I still have six inches to go." [Eating a Subway sandwich.]

"I said no and you put it in your mouth." [Roommate made a horrible, vile-tasting cocktail -- apparently it "tasted like battery acid."]

"Be happy he's using his finger." [Boyfriend was pretending my head was an alarm clock and he was hitting the snooze button.]

"No, it's just -- we're gonna drink you."

Other, non-contextual quotes from today:

"You're not nice at all! You're an onion!"

Tim: "I know what you're trying to say."

Lem: "You're a ...say."

And, as my roommate has pointed out, I really can use non-Lem quotes. Today I learned! :D

Interesting conversations

It's certainly never dull around my apartment. Yesterday, my roommate dropped these gems:

"You have an adorable foot."

"I have a foot too! I have a skin made of foot." [I love misspeaking.]

[When asked a question] "Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnokay."

My boyfriend: "Have some cheese to go with that whine."
My roommate: "That sounds good. Water cheese."

Midnight Milkshakes

As you may or may not know, my apartment building has quiet hours. On weekdays, they start at 10:00 pm. One of my roommates, however, wanted a milkshake. She had already put the ice cream into the blender before realizing how much noise the blender would make.

I suggested that we put a pillow underneath it to insulate the blender from the counter, so it wouldn't make as much noise. However, another of my roommates decided that instead of a pillow, he was going to wrap the blender in towels, jackets, and blankets:

And now he can't reach the button.

He had so much trouble getting down to the blender buttons that he decided some leverage was needed.

Hello, roommate's butt! Still can't reach the button.

Yay, milkshakes are done! Bottoms up! :D

Hey! Use a cup! That's why we have them.

"Hey, can I have some?"

I guess she doesn't want to share. Go ahead and try, but I'd count my fingers afterward if I were you.

And Tim intervenes.

"No, really, use a cup. Let me take that."

My roommate cooks.

She enjoys couscous. I enjoy her quotes. Here are a few from the past few days, as she has been making couscous quite often recently.

"Oh, we're already boiling? That's what I like to see."
"I hope YOU'RE ok, mister onion."
"Scary rotten food in the fridge terrifies me."
"Flooooo flooflooflooooo.. floo floo floo floo." [I have no idea what she's talking about, but imagine a sing-song voice and flapping bird-wing hands.]

Ever have a funny-face competition?

You know, like this:

Classic, if weakly performed.

...Or like this:

Another classic. Be proud of those lost teeth, kid.

But unless you can beat this guy:

I'd generally consider keeping my eyeballs in their sockets more important than winning a funny-face competition at a restaurant with a 5-year-old, but that's just me.

or this guy:

His ears give him an unfair advantage.

You have no hope of ever, ever beating this tiger:

"I'm not crazy!"

"I don't sound like it, not even a little bit. You don't know what crazy people sound like! Neither do I, but that's beside the point."

Today, my roommate and I had a small discussion. I brought up her previous quotes, which, granted, happened under the influence of caffeine:

"The fridge is made of alligator skin! White chocolate alligator skin! If you eat it, it will taste like white chocolate alligators."
"His shirt! It has so many lines! And they go vertically and diagonally and horizontally and it has triangles and it is so cool!"

"Why aren't you boiling?! Whyyyyyy..." [questioning looks from other roommates] "It's not boiling!"

"That's weird. Ouch! Ok, that's wan." [I think she was trying to combine "on" and "warm," with limited success.]

Not to mention the occasional senseless babbling or the flapping her hands and pretending to fly, or sashaying back and forth in the kitchen to keep an eye on tea and her video game.

My life is never boring. I'm going to miss having her as a roommate come May and move-out date, for this and other reasons.

First I was all

"Hmmm."

"Let me think..."

"OH MY GOD! That one guy!"

"I thought I'd lost him years ago..."

"Did you ever go to acting school?"

The more you look at it, the funnier it gets.

Such a thing as "too much"

A friend of mine has started doing some modeling recently, and has been showing people the pictures. She sent them to a few guys I know (including my boyfriend), and apparently they were much more sexual than anticipated. (Potentially looking for attention?)

She also sent them to a friend of mine. Let's call him Fennel.

Fennel is gay.

And, in apology of posting so infrequently, a few more quotes from my roommate:

While doing dishes: "Hello, mister spoon. Let's dry you off. Dry dry dry dry dry..."

Looking very closely at the refrigerator: "The fridge is made of alligator skin! White chocolate alligator skin! If you eat it, it will taste like white chocolate alligators. There's lines in the fridge!"

Looking closely at another roommate's shirt: "His shirt! It has so many lines! They go vertically and diagonally and horizontally and it has triangles and it is so cool!"